Permaculturist’s reflections about burnout and other monsters

We have just recently come back from our one month holiday. We’ve been away from the farm for the whole month. That was for me the first time since 2018, nearly six years ago. Holiday was great. We went to Thailand, discovering nature in a completely different climate, observing the culture that was shaped so differently than ours. There were so many new things to smell, hear, to see and to taste. It was a complete immersion of a new mesmerizing stimulus.

But already before we left I had difficulties to allow myself for this carefree time. A whole month away from the farm, therapy practice, away from my animals and all my tasks? No way! From the practical perspective it felt wrong to spend quite a big amount of money and time for a trip to Thailand in the middle of constructing a house, running permaculture courses and following the Process Work diploma program. And yet I decided to follow several signals that kept happening inside and around me. Both me and my partner, we needed a break or we would face a serious burnout. We would soon seriously question if this reality of sustainable farming we’ve decided on is really for us. It was time to do something only for fun. And not only for a day or a few days. It was time to make a whole other experience and allow it to sink in us.

It was truly amazing to reconnect with pure joy of living in the moment. To enjoy the day simply for what it is, let go from expectations and achievements. Traveling has always been that for me, the best teacher for being in the moment and playing with the unexpected. Anyway, let’s not make this article about traveling, even though it is a tempting option. What I would really like to focus on is the arriving part. The part after the happy ending of the adventurous story. When we have to come back to our day to day realities, jobs, projects and homes. I was wondering from the beginning how I am going to keep this joyful part of myself after the holiday. How can I smuggle it into my daily life and not let the old patterns take over? Then I have realized: Right, so it looks like there are these 2 figures in me. The joyful one, who wants more appreciation for life, more living in the moment, more enjoying. And the activist part, who wants to complete wonderful projects, organize events for the better future of the planet, learn how to serve others in the best possible way. Both of these figures are equally important, but they want different things. I decided to listen to them carefully and let them talk to each other.

joyful figure

I’m so happy to be back home and now I feel how much I love it even more than ever! However there are some things that make me sad. I was walking through my garden to plan the next growing season. I was doing pretty well. I needed to figure out how to make the garden most productive in June, when we’re going to have our 2 weeks course. And in that moment something made me longing for a deeper relationship with the garden. Not with my plan for its best efficiency. To really follow each specific place, it’s soil and plants and play with it. I was sad, because I realized I miss being a gardener in tune with nature and enjoying the actual process. And to some level I always was, but I can see how much this attitude tends to blur away in order to favor the best “performance” during our workshops. Then I teach everyone else how important it is to observe nature and follow what it is doing. But I myself do it less and less. I don’t want that anymore. I want to take time to deeply reconnect with what we are doing here on the land. Simply live it. Rather than do automatically what seems to be the best, most efficient or present me in a way I like to be presented. So I start to wonder if it is maybe better to cancel our teaching activities for this year. Although I’m still very shy about it. Because I know that you, the activist, will not like this idea very much.

activist figure

Well, you are right about some of these things for sure. I resonate with you and also want to give you more voice in my life. Maybe we can figure out how to do it together and change the attitude without canceling any events. Look how great it would be if we can teach the courses in a more relaxed and authentic way. Maybe you can tell me how to keep this loving attitude and appreciation in my daily life. But I can’t simply let go of organizing the courses. Not even for one year. I already organize the most minimum possible, but actually I have thousands of ideas for new workshops or classes. This is where my creativity sparks and I’m worried that if I cancel the courses for some time I will lose it. I love teaching and facilitating events. I love everything about it. There is no better feeling than the sense of being in a group passionate about something I’m passionate about too.

joyful figure

Well, I don’t think your creativity would disappear with the courses. You would have time to channel it in so many other things you are doing already. And they are being neglected for a while. Think about the house we are building. Our dream house that we are so close to finishing and finally living in it. I really want to channel our creativity there and make these beautiful walls into a real home. Even just talking about it gives me goosebumps, but you always try to push the house project into the background. As if it was something too good for you and you don’t deserve to have it.

activist figure

Maybe some of what you are saying is true. But there is something very important for me when we run our courses and I don’t know if I have enough courage to give us a break from them. When we organize permaculture courses, I know who we are. We are permaculture teachers. We have an educational farm and we are focused on sustainable solutions. I really love being that and I love knowing who I am. What is going to happen if I stop doing it even if I know it’s temporary? Who am I going to be then?

Joyful figure

Losing your social image and status takes a lot of courage and self love. But sometimes it’s a very good thing to do. I keeps you flexible, not so rigid in the usual identity. It makes you grow and learn new things. It is time for both of us to do that at least for this season. Get some distance and learn better ways. If you continue the same way you do, you will start hating the farm and even the teaching. You will not like people that come to you and everything about your work will put you in stress. This is why burnout happens to so many activists. We believe so much in what we do that we forget to give ourselves the comfort we deserve. We constantly make excuses to grab the next project after the next project without making breaks. Eventually it’s not the project nor the break that are important. It’s me who follows my passions, my body, my curiosity and spontaneity. They are sacred. They are to be cherished and appreciated. Without them all these “projects” will become empty words and ideas, no matter how beautiful they sound.

activist figure

…giving up and reprogramming…

So what is that mechanism that keeps pushing us into efficiency and performance instead of allowing us to follow our true selves? It seems to me like it’s one of the biggest monsters of our western culture, a monster with many heads, many “-isms” and layers. Maybe even every person has their own personalized constellation of those layers. In my case at least it looks like it’s a lifelong journey to take them off one after another. Gaining deeper self-respect and better understanding of what I really need to do and what I don’t. Many of the layers are related to our personal history, the way how we were brought up. The unconditioned love our family did or didn’t give us, the attitude towards work, fun, following our passions… All those codes that we carry from our ancestors. And looking from a bigger perspective we also carry our cultural, collective mindsets, shaped over millennia. But it’s impossible to fight them without acknowledging them and giving them a voice, so they can fully show themselves for what they are. If we don’t do that, we usually ending up chasing our own tail. We start blaming ourselves for not loving ourselves enough, for not managing a balanced life etc etc… Speaking from my personal experience, I’m a professional with criticizing myself for criticizing myself! It just doesn’t make any sense, right?

This is not the end of the struggle, I’m sure of that. The monster will come up with a different head, but maybe this time a little smaller one. Maybe it will be so familiar already that I will deal with it in a blink of an eye. But what’s relevant is that with every fight I’m getting to know myself better. And frankly not only myself. I’m getting to know my believe systems that belong to my culture, certain algorithms that for some reason construct our society. I can appreciate them for what they are or put them aside if they are not needed at times. I can have a real conversation with them, argue and make peace. That seems to be far better idea than burnouts, depression, relationship conflicts and all the other side outcomes that happen when I forget to look deeper.

About the author

One of the 2 Quinta Kania Farm founders. Permaculture teacher and Process Work therapist.  Her passions always centered around creativity, nature and people, so she spent most of her life trying to connect those aspects together. She is interested in deepening the social and psychological part of Permaculture, as well as bringing more nature connections to the therapy and facilitation practices.

Related posts